I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
operation have a gay friend backfired
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
