so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
