I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Two words: blizzard sex
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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