Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i now understand why vodka
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
