if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
