Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
