apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
