Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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