i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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