tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
