I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
