There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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