if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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