I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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