FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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