I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
