a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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