you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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