my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
