sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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