The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
