I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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