Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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