somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
