She said her name was "party"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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