my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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