I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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