I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
