ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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