I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
the room spins SO much faster in panama
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
