I hate all girls vehemently.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
