He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
