my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
