I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
