Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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