I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
