I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
