Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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