Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
