if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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