My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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