I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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