i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
