bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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