The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
