I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
