just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize