so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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