You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
