Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
