when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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