census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize