great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
