If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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