6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
