You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
