My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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