ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
