i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize