walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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