She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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