my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
