strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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