FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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