I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
