no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
