The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize